Here's my Story....

I looked into my mirror today..

Tue, 22 Nov 2005 10:01:27 GMT

and this is what i saw..

a stupid selfish confused individual.. no self respect.. no confidence.. i hurt people who are close to me far more often then i should.. im a horrible person. i think to much and read into every little detail. i shouldnt.

i take things to seriously and it only leads to further depression.

i listen to what people say when i really shouldnt. they are not me they do not know how i feel. they do not know how every situation is going to play out. if there was a title it doesnt mean we would fight. it doesnt mean we would grow distant.

i like her.. a lot. more then she could have ever known. yet its only been this short time. and what do i do everytime i get a good vibe? i fuck it up. i tell people whats going on instead of the person that matters. why? because im scared of frightening her, because i know it frightens me.

and what do i do when im frightened? i act immature, run, and hide. everytime. ive been doing this the past year and some odd months and it makes me sick. my stomache is in knots. i get frightened and i push her away. i shouldnt. i wish i didnt. i wish id stop. im an idiot. so selfish. i keep pushing everything good away. further and further til its out of reach.

i feel as if i wont stop this stupidity. i wish i didnt push her away.

what makes me even more confused is im pushing someone i admire so much away.. and at the end of every day i fear ill always be alone.

2 pump chump.. holla

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 10:31:13 GMT

Dear Diary,

Jackpot

blah

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 19:27:07 GMT

stressin as usual... but new cell phone.. 554-9930 so if u need to get ahold of me.. theres the number..

yay

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 10:27:20 GMT

soo tonight.. sooooo much better then any night... ever! hung out with an old girlfriend this afternoon.. and that was nice catching up.. then hit the mall with Josh we killed lots of time.. then met up with Nichole and headed out to JT's... eggs/toast then stargazing.. so amazing.. shooting stars galore i wanna do it again.. met nichole tonight first time.. and it sucks that shes leaving in 2 days for good? eh ah well i keep thinkin about eternal sunshines ending... when Jim Carey just accepts it and says "okay" it is okay.. ill take these next couple days and im sure ill love them.. and gosh this was such an eye opener and pick me up... thank you all so much!

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 10:14:58 GMT

la la la.. best bday ever i think.. had a great night watching fireworks with two totally awesome girls.. we had some good laughs... between stories.. and caties text messages.. haha.. went back to their apartment and ellie and i watched a movie i hadnt seen before.. i loved it.. we then proceeded to go lay down.. but i decided to build a fort with her billion pillows.. and i did it.. i made one.. hoorah! another will come soon.. too good to be true.. too much on my mind.. or just someone.. heh. over all a good bday.. im rly sunburnt.. but couldnt be happier..

:-)

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 09:14:16 GMT

tonight = magic

no other words for it..

Im almost 19?

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 02:48:38 GMT

yeah... 4 days until im 19.. yay for that i guess.. uhm im out of town friday morning til monday evening.. if anyone wants to go check out fireworks with me on my bday (monday, July 4th) let me know.. some awesome fireworks shall be watched. see ya all when i return.. maybe?

blah

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 22:49:27 GMT

lets keep this short and sweet.. this is my first post in a long while but..

i feel un wanted

unloved

unappreciated

like everything ive been told lately is one big lie..

so pretty much, maybe its time to give in.. bow down and let things fade away..

So long.. farewell?

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 02:51:08 GMT

So today has been a very weird day.. very nerve racking and depressing.. lets see.. i get up early this morning and drag myself out of bed and shave and shower.. and then spend the day with someone.. fun times? well partly..

it all started out good.. lot of laughing and good times.. then somthing happened that shouldnt have.. and im to blame.. im an idiot.. i did somthing i shouldnt have and now ruined a lot of the good times that could have come. and nobody is to blame but me.. i hurt someone.. made them feel weird.. and uncomfortable.. somthing i wish i hadnt done.. and now its awkward.. like it could never go back to how it was..

on other news.. i guess i might be moving to indianna.. waiting to hear from my aunt on when.. so i may throw a bbq party thing on behalf of my going away..

yes today has been very fucked up.. and yes i am rly pissed off and dissapointed with myself.. but well.. whats done is done.. and i cant go back in time to make things right.. i cant believe i actually did this to her.. i honestly never wanted to..

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 02:12:17 GMT

i give up.. im done.. everybody takes away everything that makes me happy.. i give up.. whats the point anymore?

Uugh..

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 03:56:14 GMT

Just kill me already.. please? ill give you a cookie.. and you can have whatever is in my wallet..

IM POOR!

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 05:09:32 GMT

im broke. i need money.

anybody wanna buy a ps2? not the thin one thats so popular. its spiffy tho! and runs like a champ. i need money so if anyone is interested lemme know.. just throw an offer. u cant offend me.

Guess guess guess

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 08:37:31 GMT

So on a bad note.. can anyone guess what i am tired of? go ahead.. guess..

but on a good note.. tyler and I are wanting to have a bbq/picnic/potluck thingy on sat evening.. tyler knows the place.. so do I.. if you all need to know where to go.. ask one of us.. top of hills west or somthing like that.. tyler knows the true name! everyone who comes.. brings somthing. we'll make sure we have everything we need. nobody goes hungry! and apparently its tylers bday! so come one come all we are celebrating my lovers birthday! lemme know if you are coming. again..this is happening on Saturday evening April 11 of 2005.. so lemme know.. unless ur a bitch.

Sick sick sick.. yo

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 02:22:54 GMT

Sooo lets see i wake up at about 11 due to JT calling and waking me up.. We hang out.. we watch a Zach Galifinakis clip on my comp and we both laugh.. yay. then we go to Taco Del Mar so he can get some lunch. busy place i tell you. then he drops me off and goes back to school

So then i come home and take a shower.. then Austyn decided to call.. so i get dressed and head over to her home for the afternoon.. what swell times we had.. sitting on her couch watching television and parts of a movie.. and eating chips.. she gave me cold med's yay.. and then wouldnt let me on the computer.. she doesnt like it when i have fun.

sage came over.. and hung out with us and proceeded to giggle and have a swell time with neopets.. haha she told us all about her swell adventures and her neo points.. austyn and I watch my fav tv show. "Yes, Dear!" and we laugh and such, well i laughed she didnt.

Tyler and Josh were going flip flop shopping and ask us to go with em. so we did.. we went to walmart and sage was rude to some old people. what a jerk.. haha joking.. she was meaning to be rude to us but i think they took it as sage being mean to them.. Ah well! we got back in the car after finding awesome sandals and sang our hearts out to bright eyes tunes.. after returning to Tylers home, Josh left and we walked back to austyns.. and by we i mean sage, austyn and myself.. after we arrived at the house i got in my car and headed home..

and here I am at home.. wearing sages bandana and my big sunglasses.. my dad tells me i look like a fool and my mom said im a gangster.. holler.

Fun day for being sick.

Why am i so messed up?

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 08:22:27 GMT

ive got so much crap on my mind its dumb.. too much for me to handle. i think i am going insane.. what am i sposed to do.. everything on my mind.. i want to tell a certain person.. but if i do it might not make her happy.. so to not make her mad.. ill just not say a word and keep it inside... probly not healthy.. but id rather see her smile then frown.. uuuugh shoot me.. im dumb.

bye

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 08:05:41 GMT

nobody cares.. why should i? im done with it all...

bye

tree bark and acordians..

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 19:48:29 GMT

So all who did not go to the show last night, suck. it was magic.

So the night started off bad.. so I thought.. got off work.. then waited for melissa.. which i waited 15 min.. then she finally called to say she was alrdy at the place we were meeting.. dang. then i hopped in the truck and headed over to golf universe where we intended to play a round of mini golf. no such luck. I got stuck at a light because a train was going through. dickweeds.. so i didnt get there til 630. and the place closes at 7. well we figure out stuff to do.. we end up at Ben's place. and he made pasta. we ate it. we're bored yada yada and before we know it we're at columbia park feeding the birdies.. Melissa and I tried to sneak around so we could scare everyone else.. it didnt work out the way we planned.

So the breads all gone and we decide to go to the playground of dreams. it was so much fun. we played hide and go seak, but the sardine version. everyone had cool hiding spots.. and I found the best one, although i think it was a poor decision.. i was on the ground.. in the dirt. hangin with all the bugs and spiders. by the time everyone found me I had gotten out completely covered with bark and fealt like i had gotten bitten up by spiders. but man.. totally worth it!

After that we go to Rays for a show.. gregg and the gregg greggs.. and jason webbley. For some reason I just fealt depressed.. between the park and the show.. for an entire 15-20 min i just fealt blah. and even some of the show i fealt cruddy. but as soon as the stud with the accordian hit stage it was all smiles. Soooo much fun and I couldnt have picked a better group of friends to go with. they made things much more fun.

so after all the madness.. tearing music apart, getting wasted, and having power in our finger tips.. we go to denny's.. everyones eating.. kinda? and i just drink dr pepper. we all joked around took some pictures and just had a swell time. I got home at 230 and then crashed by 3. So thats my excuse for posting this, now. woot.

gone for good?

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 21:26:14 GMT

Sooo last night my dad calls me outside to help him with some yard work.. and we're smoking talking and joking around and such and then boooom.. he asks.. "Want to run away?" and im like okay does he want to kick me out or what? ha! no he got a job offer for the both of us. meaning we would be on the road. for like as long as we wanted to work for this guy. building cell phone towers. I wouldnt see anybody for a very long time. working 10-12 hour days, 5 or 6 days a week. 20 bucks an hour though.. i would literally have to pack up my shit and just leave. we would probly be stuck in hotels/motels year round. hes tired of my mom which sucks, but since him and I talk, I kind of understand his situation.

I feel like it would be a good thing to just up and leave. sure my dad and I would probably end up killing each other within the first month, but it just might be good to get away from all the troubles. I feel like I dont really have a reason to continue staying here. and I dont think many would actually miss me. So wtf mate. who knows..

Im back bitches.

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 01:36:11 GMT

So this is my first post.. in like months.. wow.. what to say what to say.. a lot has happened.. I became the Wario Ware king.. i had a tiara and all.. But Melissa wouldnt let me bring it home.. what a butt.. anyways life is fun.. last two days ive had off. and just hangin out.. been playing a lot of wario ware.. and going to denny's a lot. but im sure all who reads this already knows that because i was playing or drinking coffee/eating with them. ah well its my first post in months. im rusty. back off.